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Love Language: In The Rabbit Hole Of Ancient Syntax

Cave art at Cueva de las Manos, Perito Moreno, Argentina. The art in the cave is dated between 13,000 and 9,000 BP by UNESCO; stenciled, mostly left hands are shown.
Cave art at Cueva de las Manos, Perito Moreno, Argentina. The art in the cave is dated between 13,000 and 9,000 BP by UNESCO; stenciled, mostly left hands are shown.

Photo from Wikipedia

Origins of Language: IYKYK?

Coding late into the night, and not coming right got me thinking about languages. As I argued with Python about missing colons, I imagined prehistoric humans trying to figure out how to tell each other, “Yo cuz, don’t eat that berry unless you want to vibe with the void.”

So I looked into it a bit. Anything to get me off the endless iteration for a while.

Turns out, the origins of human language are some of the juiciest debates in linguistics. Scholars, philosophers, and anthropologists have been cooking up theories for centuries – some sound legit, others like fanfic. And honestly? They’re all low-key hilarious when you think about them.

Early Theories: Babel Babble

  • Tower of Babel Theory
    This one slaps straight out of the Bible. Basically, humans were vibing together, building a massive tower to reach the heavens. God says, “Bet,” scrambles their languages, and boom: chaos. It’s like when you’re on Discord and half your friends start speaking in memes.

  • Proto-World Theory
    Instead of one OG language, this theory says different groups around the world invented their own. So while one squad was like “Ugh!,” another was like “Ack!,” and over time they became full languages. Basically, this theory says language is what happens when the Scrabble words assemble themselves.

Angry Duolingo owl

💡 Sidebar Fact: Linguists estimate there are over 7,000 languages today. Meanwhile, I can barely get through one Duolingo streak before the owl comes for me.

Linguistic Theories: The Big Brains bring some rizz

  • Chomsky’s Universal Grammar
    Noam Chomsky (the modern baby-daddy of linguistics) dropped a hot take in the 1950s: humans are basically born with grammar installed, factory settings, if you will. This means we don’t “learn” language so much as unlock it. Think of babies as iPhones booting up with iOS-Language preinstalled.

  • Evolutionary Theory
    This one says language wasn’t a download, it was regular patch updates. Humans gradually went from hand gestures to grunts to “I fancy a mammoth sandwich.” It just took thousands of years – like the world’s longest beta test.

Sound-Based Theories: When doggy goes delulu

  • Bow-Wow Theory 🐕
    Proposed in the 1700s, this theory says humans started by copying animal sounds. Dog barks? Say, “Bow-wow.” Cats? “Meow.” Birds? “Tweet.” (And we all know where excessive tweeting gets us.) It’s funny, sure, but it flops at explaining how you get Macbeth from “Moo.”
  • Pooh-Pooh Theory 😮‍💨
    This one claims language began with involuntary noises: cries, sighs, groans, moans, gurgles, clicks, and chuckles. You find a nut, and all you have to crack it is a club. As happens. You hit your thumb (because of course you do), so you bitch incoherently about it. And that’s the dawn of communication! Relatable, tbh.

💡 Sidebar Fact: If you’ve ever said “ouch,” congrats. You’re living proof of the Pooh-Pooh Theory.

  • Ding-Dong Theory 🔔
    In 1913, Dutch linguist said words literally vibrated with the universe’s natural sounds to come into being. So humans said “ding-dong” and that matched vibes with reality somehow. It’s manifestation, but not as we know it, Jim. I didn’t find out if the theory was named this because of what people thought of the guy who came up with it.

Social and Labour-Based Theories: finally some fire

  • Yo-He-Ho Theory
    Sounds like another whack-job got the mike on karaoke night, but this one is actually widely accepted by linguists today. The theory says language came from people yelling rhythmically while hauling logs or rowing boats. Giving it the ol’ “heave-ho.” They were lumberjacks. And they were okay.

  • Gestural Theory
    Before words, humans waved their hands around. Seems like a logical assumption. The gestures eventually got replaced with vocal speech, and we’ve since found out that the two are, in fact, neurologically linked. So this is another theory that makes sense. It’s also pleasing to think that someone started talking just so they could tell the mimes to quit it.

So Then... Which Theory slays?

Honestly? Nobody knows. Language could have been grunts, vibes, or a divine server meltdown. What’s clear is that it evolved because humans needed to connect – whether warning each other about saber-toothed tigers or just gossiping about Thag’s dodgy cave art collection.

What’s wild is that even though we can’t agree on where language came from, we all agree on this: without it, civilization would have been sus at best and extinct at worst.

The first written word?
A receipt for beer.
Humanity: consistent 
since 3000 BCE.

Final Thoughts: Language just hits different

As a coder, I see language the way I see programming: full of rules, exceptions, and occasional rage-quits. Whether it started, the point is this: humans figured out how to turn noise into nuance.

And if cavemen could bootstrap their syntax without Stack Overflow, maybe I’ll survive debugging my code at 2 in the morning.

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